The Method to the Madness
A rigorous, peer-reviewed* approach to rating cylindrical bread products and meat-between-bread situations.
*Not actually peer-reviewed. My peers are too busy eating bagels and sandwiches.
The Six Sacred Dimensions
Each bagel and sandwich is subjected to a battery of highly unscientific tests, measured across six distinct criteria. Think of it as a personality test, but for carbs.
Taste
Does this thing taste good? Like, actually good? Not 'good for a deli next to a parking lot' good, but genuinely, transcendently delicious? This is the big one. If it doesn't taste good, nothing else matters.
Texture
The mouthfeel, baby. Is there the proper chewy resistance? Does the bread have structural integrity or does it collapse into a sad, soggy mess? Can you actually bite through it without dislocating your jaw? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Presentation
Look, I know you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover. But you can absolutely judge a bagel or sandwich by whether it looks like it was assembled by someone who cares or by a raccoon with a grudge. Bonus points for Instagram-worthiness.
Value
In this economy? We're asking the tough questions. Is the experience worth what they're charging? A $30 sandwich better change my life. A $5 bagel has more room for forgiveness. It's simple math, really.
The Caprice Factor
The most important metric: how much does my girlfriend like it? This rating transcends logic and enters the realm of pure vibes. High Caprice Factor means it's date-approved, aesthetically pleasing, and won't result in public embarrassment from aggressive meat juices. Low Caprice Factor means I'm eating it alone, in shame, and I regret nothing.
Overall
The holistic vibe. The gut feeling. The je ne sais quoi. Sometimes a place just hits different, you know? This score captures the intangible magic – or lack thereof – that makes or breaks the experience.
The Sacred Tier List
Because letter grades worked in school (sort of), and because I refuse to use a decimal system that would require actual math.
Legendary
The Hall of Fame. The stuff dreams are made of. If it's S-tier, drop everything and go immediately. You won't regret it (unless there's a line, which there will be).
Excellent
Genuinely great. Worth going out of your way for. Would recommend to friends and family. Would order again. Might even post about it online like a normal person.
Good
Solid. Respectable. The kind of place you're happy to have in the neighborhood. Not gonna change your life, but won't waste your time either. A reliable B is nothing to sneeze at.
Average
It exists. It's fine. You could do better, but you've definitely done worse. The kind of place you go to when everywhere else is closed and you're not in the mood to think.
Below Average
Life is too short. New York has too many options. Unless you're stuck at an airport or being held hostage, there's no excuse. I'm not mad, just disappointed.
📜 The Fine Print
Disclaimer #1: All ratings are subjective and represent the opinions of one person who has probably eaten too many bagels and sandwiches. Your mileage may vary. Your carb preferences are valid even if they're wrong.
Disclaimer #2: The Caprice Factor is measured by observing one specific human being's reactions to food. Results may not generalize to other girlfriends, boyfriends, partners, or sentient beings.
Disclaimer #3: Ratings may be influenced by factors including but not limited to: hunger levels at time of consumption, general mood, and the quality of coffee consumed beforehand.
Disclaimer #4: No bagels or sandwiches were emotionally harmed in the making of these reviews. Physically consumed, yes. But emotionally? We treated them with the respect they deserved.
Enough Reading. Time for Eating.
Now that you understand the system, go forth and explore the rankings.